dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
love makes seman taste better
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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