My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
