my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You can't just leave with hair like that
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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