just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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