Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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