Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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