just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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