dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
