I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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