We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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