maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
