i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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