I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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