operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
