god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
