i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize