guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
