Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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