I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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