Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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