i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
