Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That accounts for only three of the penises
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
