Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
