My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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