my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
