Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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