I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
