the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
