So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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