I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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