it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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