I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
