saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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