hotel room ftw
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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