her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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