I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
