Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
