I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
