Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
