the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
