totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
