I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
