last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
no, he came in my armpit
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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