no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize