Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
