He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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