So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
