do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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