My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
