"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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