My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize