I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
