3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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