I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Is it because I queefed?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
