seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
did i just pee glitter
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize