I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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