I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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