Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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