Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
