Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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